It is often frustrating to check your blog stats page and notice 0 hits on the day. Surely there are enough people on the internet for one mis-click to divert someone here. That blog that he has about his rabid dog, is it better than my gyan spreading world-view? How is it that others have more hits in a day than I have in a month? When is it the right time to start panicking and click your own hits?
I did think of the last option myself, but then realised there are better ways to send that stats graph go high up in the air.

1. It helps to first understand that others are as interested in your blog as you are in theirs. If you want them to read your take on the quantum theory, you must be considerate about their unnatural hair-fall. How else do you think I know about quantum theory?

2. Admit that your blog is a bore. You can write the most flowery essay about the art of swing bowling, but it still remains an essay about the art of swing bowling. Done and dusted by people who come on TV. So, don’t feel sad nobody reads it. It’s better than feeling sad.

3. Don’t repeat stuff. Remember your readers’ cats are more important than your blog. Give them one shot at a post. That’s it. The next time they click in to your blog, you better have something different to say. Or don’t say anything at all. Even if you are a big Ravi Shastri fan, don’t repeat yourself.

4. Clutch at every straw. I commented on a friend’s youtube video to get him to check my blog. He was so impressed, he wrote on my photo blog, “great, cool”.
I have also exchanged a Farmville friendship for a comment.
Then there was this annoying college mate who somehow thought I was a lite re-incarnation of a court jester. I was more annoyed by his daily morning GTalk pings of “philosophy for the day”. So I led him to my blog. Those philosophies have stopped now.
So, as my English teacher with the Gothic moustache would say, to put it in a concise manner, play a game of TT, do someone’s homework, tell people they are beautiful, remind your dhobi that he washes clothes better than anyone you’ve seen. Do anything in exchange for a click. Almost anything.
But don’t take the “pimping” metaphor too far. It can’t be worth it.

5. Entice readers with keywords. I got some traffic (no pun) with people searching for “hookers in MG Road” and “wanna watch sinhala xxx vcd video”. Before you cast aspersions on my credibility, read this post which was the culprit.

6. Wait for a miracle. The best way to get yourself noticed is to find your link on a popular forum. Mine came last week when Roger Ebert did this. The hits that I got for three successive days were in the “hitherto unseen” range. I am tempted to think I’d get a similar hit count if I slipped in my blog as a Rediff comment. But Ebert will do for sure.

7. Drop nice comments on other people’s sites. For a lot of people, a blog is, as they say, “a form of expression”. They want to talk to you. They are talking to you. So reply. It helps. Even if you just say, “hmm…”

8. Bloody well keep a nice blog, so that you don’t have to pimp it. The “how” of that, I know not, senorita. ¡Qué lástima!